everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
