I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
