I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
