Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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