I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The power of my boobs compel you
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
