I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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