I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
