never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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