I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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