I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize