I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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