you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
