you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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