Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
