if only i could text you this smell
My balls are so social today.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Randomize
