I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
