Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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