you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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