we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Randomize
