I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
