You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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