Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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