WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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