Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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