I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
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if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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