i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
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DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
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The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize