i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need a sexual gate keeper
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize