I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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