I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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