its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
