don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
