Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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