i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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