:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
