Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
In America we eat man semen.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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