Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
