you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
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I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
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That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ๐๐
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or heโs hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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