Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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