Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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