If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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