i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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