ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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