Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
