Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
