Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Your dad touched me again.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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