we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
