textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Say something about gay babies.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
