I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
