I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
