This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
