The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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