I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
