theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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