Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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