I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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