Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
