nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
