Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
