Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
