Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
